The Prison of Denial
Bound within my years of trying to only move forward without looking back, has been a bundle of sadness, grief and shame buried deeply within me.
I had times of clarity and realizations of truth but didn't know what do about it. Eventually I felt strong enough to tell a trusted adult. But when that person let me know in no uncertain terms that this was not believed and that the conversation was over, there was a retraction that took place within me. As I understand now, it was a strategy for my need to feel safe and accepted by that adult. I unknowingly built a wall of protection for myself from the possibility of thinking or feeling or caring. And it became my prison of denial.
But as is perfectly natural, all things must eventually be digested and released. So, without warning, these feelings began to emerge, and I began to jot them down... moment by moment.
I share this writing that I jotted down this morning as an exercise of my own healing practice and journey.
My feelings expressed this morning emerged from a deep place... that had been pushed down so many times, in so many ways, and over so many decades that they had all but been forgotten. These were my life events that had been ignored, minimized, not believed.
Yet there they are... impacting every moment of my existence without even as much as a suspicion.
So now I acknowledge and validate for myself and have an ocean of compassion for that tender soul of mine. Me, who did not deserve those "things", those hurtful words and dismissive apathetic attitudes given, even when reaching out for understanding, for help, for validation.
Other Spaces Within
Blessedly, there are other spaces within which are filled with love, joy, and playful creativity. These are the spaces within I have worked to cultivate and share. Though I know and understand that even with all the love I have, there is still a need for healing to take place.
This healing work I set out to do not only for my own benefit, but also for those beautiful souls that are in my life. Because when one is able to loosen the grip of past injuries and fears, greater love, compassion and peace will expand.
As I offer myself gentle sensitivity and compassion toward those parts of me that require rest and healing, I send you my best on being with your truth on your journey.
Perhaps something within you will show itself so that you may acknowledge it and give it your love and compassion. If that comes about, please feel free to reach out.
🕉️ OM peace peace peace